Should you try to get back together or should you move on?

Well, unless your ex has been straight-up garbage, which is actually a blessing in itself because then the answer to this question becomes easy, this can be one of the most difficult questions you can answer.

Sometimes your decision can be right but you just cannot see that at the time of the breakup, and sometimes it can be wrong and you only find out when it’s too late.

It’s in that extremely confusing and blurry phase towards the end of a long-term commitment where you would like some comfort in knowing you’ve made the right choice.

But the problem is nobody has gone through your unique experience. Nobody is you. Nobody is your ex. Therefore, the decision will most likely be the right one for you if it’s yours.

Of course, I can’t tell you what to exactly do in this situation. But I can help you make the right decision by giving you the questions that you need to ask yourself for guidance.

Now let’s get to the good stuff. Or bad. Depending on your situation.

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6 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself Before You Getting Back Together

 

1. Can We Go Back To Where We Were?

Before you try to go for another shot, you must understand that even if you manage to go back to the same relationship, it’s never going to be the same.

Most likely there’s no going back to this wonderful past state that you’ve been nostalgic about.

The desired past state of the relationship is gone. The past pre-breakup is a state that has occurred before a series of unfortunate events that might have followed and led you to where you are now. More on the nostalgia part later.

Now I’m not saying you can’t have a happy future if you get back to your ex. However, you have to manage your expectations by looking ahead instead of looking back. Getting back to them means you are continuing where you left off after a break or a breakup. No rewinding back to happier times.

Before getting back together and assuming they want the same thing, you must understand that whatever comes next is actually a new unexplored state that will most likely be nothing like the past you wish to relive again. If anything, it’s actually the issue that led to the breakup is the one that has a high chance of resurfacing again.

I mention this because people often misunderstand the reunion’s conditions and persist in chasing an already closed written chapter out of fantasy. Consequently, people get extremely disappointed when they realize things aren’t going back to where they wanted.

The past should never be the goal.

Of course, the success of a romantic reconciliation does depend on how bad things played out and why you broke up in the first place. There is no general rule, but most often than not, after a temporary break or a serious discussion about separation, the best-case scenario is you both teach yourselves how to adapt and cope together with what you have now despite what has happened before.

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“The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence; the past is a place of learning, not a place of living.” — Roy T. Bennett

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2. Why Did We Break Up Again?

This reason behind a breakup is always obvious until you’re the one who’s in the middle of a breakup stage/possibility of a breakup.

Sometimes, when we’re struggling to relearn what life was like without our exes, we get our heads messed up to the point where we forget why and how we got to our conclusion from the first place.

That very obvious reason for the break up becomes less obvious when we miss our ex, or when we have second thoughts like, “maybe the differences weren’t that bad,” or “maybe we just needed to talk more.”

The reason why we backpedal is that we’re used to getting a daily dosage of our ex’s existence. We suffer from withdrawal when their existence is not available to us anymore, and the withdrawal can become a bigger issue than the negative effects of the drug itself.

Always remember how things were during the relationship and right before the breakup, not how the relationship started. The truth is in the whole picture, not in our favorite shiny bits and pieces.

If you really had to end it, and there was no misunderstanding of some sort, then most likely your decision is right.

Don’t let the withdrawal affect your reasoning. Don’t try getting back together unless you’re completely sure the reason for the breakup can be dealt with in a very practical manner. Once you’ve seen the reason for what it really is, only then you can judge clearly and decide if you want to give this another go.

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3. Is Nostalgia Thinking For Me?

Two things stand out the most right after the breakup:

1. Our final words.

2. The good times we’ve shared.

After we break up, we tend to analyze our final words to adapt to the new scary ending. This is where the overthinking flows; we need a coping mechanism that will help us find meaning through what could be painful and desperate times.

We first analyze what has been said towards the end maybe to assure ourselves that we have made the right decision or realize that we were wrong, then we break down every word and analyze how they’ve been said.

But even our final words lose momentum in our minds (unless they were extremely harsh and scarring). Words are not enough. Again, because of the withdrawal, we tend to get to a point where we need something even more powerful than words to help us “cope’ and stimulate our temporarily extremely void minds, and that is nostalgia.

The good times. When we were so much happier.

“Remember when everything was less complicated and we just enjoyed being together?”  

The problem with falling into the good-times-we’ve-shared trap is that the past will shine more after the break up than how they actually were during the relationship. This is the case unless you’ve been really traumatized throughout your relationship that you already know you don’t want to go through it again.

Don’t let the past dictate your future.

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“The Greek word for “return” is nostos. Algos means “suffering.” So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.” ― Milan Kundera, Ignorance

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4. Do I Really Have So Much To Lose?

Loss Aversion

As human beings, we do not like to lose someone or something that we have previously tried to win over for so long, even if they’re/it’s bad for us.

This is loss aversion; it means more to not lose someone than to find someone. Loss aversion plays a huge factor in deciding whether or not we should continue pursuing a relationship.

Be mindful of the illusion of loss when you’re thinking about rekindling your relationship again.

Our approach should not be: “I want to go back because I don’t want to lose them,” but it should be: “What do I gain from being with my ex again?”

Of course, this is easier said than done. But in order to function in a healthy relationship without letting the feeling of loss impair our judgment, we need to know that our partners can complement us and add to the life we want for ourselves.

If for example, your ex was consistently draining the life out of you and giving you something nice to think about every once in a while, then you were most likely in a toxic relationship. In this case, there was no balance.

The short spikes of “happiness” will be most likely be dopamine-induced rewards for sticking around in an abusive setting. These spikes become more memorable and valuable in a sea of shitty treatment.

That’s why a lot of people stick to partners who are not good for them (where them bad boys and manipulative girls at). They’re addicted to the excitement of the emotionally abusive relationship’s unpredictable nature. 

If this is your case, then self-love is what you need before you even think about being in any sort of relationship.  You must truly love yourself in order not to let the loss aversion trick you into believing that a bad relationship is what you deserve.

5. Does Getting Back Together Mean We Can Stay Together?

There’s a very important thing to consider before getting back together:

You’ve already broken up before. It’s 1-0 to separation.

I mention this because people don’t realize how temporary detachment affects the stability of their relationship in the long run.

When you break up, you teach your partner and yourself that it’s okay to break up. You show both of you that it’s actually fine to live without each other. If you go through this process more than once, you create a toxic pattern where separation becomes the norm at the first signs of trouble.

The more you break up and make up, the less likely you both will want to compromise for each other and reach out. Leaving the room will be much easier than staying and facing the heat. 

In fact, the reason why a lot of couples get so confused about each other that infidelity suddenly becomes a good idea is the instability of the on-and-off relationship.

I’m of course not telling you that it’s okay to cheat, even in an on-and-off relationship. But how many times have you heard that crappy “well, I slept with her when we weren’t together so I didn’t technically cheat,” excuse comes from a spouse? 

Point is: if you’ve already broken up once, then don’t try getting back together unless you’re both pretty sure you’re not going to fall into the toxic pattern. 

6. Am I Good For Them?

This one needs a lot of maturity, self-awareness, selflessness, and empathy. Especially if things ended before because it was your fault.

Never go back to being with someone again unless you know you can add something good to their lives. It’s very difficult to admit that you might have been wrong if that was the case in reality. If that was the case in your relationship, then this is the reality you have to deal with.

Don’t think about getting back together just because you miss them or because you think you can’t live without them. Even if they still love you enough to be with you again, don’t waste their time if you’re not able to right your wrongs.

Ask yourself, “Am I going to be a good partner for them in the long term? Or am I interested in getting back to them just for myself?”

Be honest. For you and them.

I Have Done My Homework!

Now, if you’ve managed to carefully think about these questions for yourself and your ex and still feel pretty sure that it’s a very good idea to be with them again, then I encourage you to start a conversation with them, listen to what they need in a relationship and see if they’re actually still interested, then see where it goes.

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