Why Self-help Doesn’t Work For You
The self-help industry is estimated to be worth 11 billion dollars in the United States. Just in the United States alone, there is eleven billion dollars worth of seminars, books, and courses telling people how to improve their living situations and how they can become better versions of themselves.
That’s supposed to be a good thing, right?
Well, it’s a great thing that you can have access to a lot of different perspectives, ideas, and guides to become a happier person or having fulfilling careers and relationships. The problem with this great option is that… you have a lot of different perspectives, ideas, and guides.
And you’d expect, when an industry of motivation and inspiration is out there to sell you too much of the same damn thing, a lot of the content is bound to be on the bullshit end of the spectrum.
Here are four reasons why there’s the possibility that self-help doesn’t work for you:
1. Self-help Is Distracting
If you’re doing absolutely nothing to move towards achieving a goal of yours, you’ll just know.
You’ll hear that nagging in the back of your mind reminding you that you haven’t done much to be closer to who you want to become. You’ll have this lingering feeling of dissatisfaction following you wherever you are, telling you’re not where you should be.
As much as this mechanism is uncomfortable, it’s pretty damn useful.
Truth is we need unfulfillment to know our purpose and act accordingly; otherwise, we’ll all be wandering aimlessly throughout our short lifespan, only to notice our shortcomings when it’s too late.
The problem with self-help, however, is that it messes up that useful compass of purpose.
Because when we decide to “self-help”, we’ll normally go to, let’s say, a seminar. I mean, we all have to start somewhere, right?
So we look up a relevant seminar nearby, sign-up, invite a friend, and then attend the event with a purpose. And once we’re there, we take in the positive influence and encouragement that’s displayed by the speaker and the attendees. It’s a wonderful atmosphere to be in.
The speaker typically says all the right things and the audience applauds after each well-crafted quote that highlights the event. We post pictures of the event on social media and hashtag some of these new soundbites we’ve just learned. There’s an understandable need to reinforce our beliefs that we’re onto something.
After we’re done with this seminar, everything feels just right. We realize that we finally took the initiative, found the right inspiration, and now we’re ready to go!
…
To another seminar.
The Self-help Junkie’s Common Pitfall
If you look closely at the pattern a lot of the self-help junkies follow, you’ll notice that the very common routine has very little to do with actually following goals. The routine focuses too much on intent instead of action; it’s usually the pep talk you want to hear but not the strategy you need.
Of course, not all self-help products and services are impractical; there are life-coaches and influencers out there who are capable of making a difference through their actionable guides.
I repeat: actionable guides.
If you find yourself buying too many books, subscribing to too many influencers, or following too many courses that are related to your goal instead of taking the necessary steps you need towards your objective, then you could be simply too distracted to move forward.
Self-help is only beneficial when it offers steps you can follow, and it’s even more effective when you choose to follow through. Once you treat it as a routine of motivation that you must practice for doing something hopefully one day, it becomes a huge disadvantage.
After attending one seminar after another and listening to one audiobook after the other, you could be tricked into believing that you’re doing something when you’re not. When that happens, you will not feel the necessary unfulfillment and unsatisfaction mentioned earlier. Therefore, you’ll be wasting your time doing everything but taking the right actions to fulfill your dreams.
Self-help doesn’t work unless you put in the work.
2. Self-help Is Monotonic Yet Addictive
Have you ever listened carefully to most of those famous life coaches and influencers? Have you noticed a common pattern in their delivery?
To me at least, it seems like the messengers and their tones may be different, but the underlying message stays the same.
When it comes to career decisions, few of the useful ingredients of self-help seem to revolve mainly around hard work, persistence, and confidence.
And when it comes to the pursuit of happiness, you’ll often hear talks involving gratitude, just being who you are, and the exact opposite; seeking the uncomfortable and conquering it.
Some of those mentioned are vital components that form the foundation of success and happiness…
But how many times do you really need to hear that?
What seems to be effective—what separates the stationary self-help junkies from the prosperous figures is the follow-up.
People who are able to extract meaning from the right messages are mindful of acting upon what they’ve learned. There’s no need to listen to the same perspectives and ideas over and over again.
And you might ask: well why do people get stuck listening to the same thing and never acting upon what they learn?
Could it be because of the false validation self-helps brings to the table? Are we repeatedly reading these books waiting for certain permission to finally act? Do we keep listening hoping for that perfect one self-help magic that will suddenly unlock our potential?
Well, you know what, maybe it doesn’t matter why.
The only thing that makes a difference is how we choose to respond. And the best way to respond is to counter the contagious effects of self-help by consistently being responsible enough to follow through with the help we find.
3. Self-help Is Too Generic
For stories and messages to be sold, they have to be presented in a very generic manner to attract as many people as possible, in order to sell as many tickets and books.
But to really fix most people’s problems, you have to get to the specifics. We’re never following the same exact paths, and everyone will require a tailored set of approaches towards their problems and goals.
This isn’t happening with most of the self-help platforms, because the audience has to relate to the messages presented, so the industry’s presenters must maintain a certain level of ambiguity.
And ambiguity always comes at the expense of practicality.
Furthermore, self-help’s catchy and inspirational soundbites appeal to the emotions and that’s another reason why they sell well. There is an infinite number of success stories you can tell. But there are very few ways you can actually give someone a guide to follow.
You can’t just be pragmatic and say, for example, all you need is to take action. Because once you do that, that’s it. There will not be much else left to be said that’s equally practical and helpful. Taking action is dull and unmarketable, “inspiration” however, can be repackaged in many ways through different products.
Funny thing is if you look at the most successful people around you, they pay little to no attention to self-help. They understand that too much self-help doesn’t work.
Instead, they consistently perform the mundane and redundant actions for years to master their craft. No emotions. No inspiration. Just specific actions.
4. Self-help Can’t Buy Happiness
Millions of people buy self-help books every year with the aim of becoming happier individuals. This is understandable especially when people are dealing with harsh living conditions and mental illness on a daily basis. Sometimes you need to just listen to someone who seems like they know what happiness looks like to follow their perspective.
The problem, however, is that when we’re dealing with hardships for an extended period of time, there’s always the possibility that we become desperate enough to disregard reason when listening to those self-help authors and speakers. We urgently require the quick-fixes even if we know that happiness doesn’t work that way.
We listen to someone’s well-written stories about their route to happiness and become inclined to believe that they know what they’re talking about. As if they have these proven schemes of happiness that you just need to buy and apply. Since we somehow relate to their stories (what a coincidence) we feel the need to follow their same path by signing up through their links.
Again, this isn’t the case for every motivational speaker and writer, of course. But people lead different lives, face non-identical problems, and have unique characters. It’s important to keep that in mind before buying anything someone’s trying to sell. What works for me will not necessarily work for you.
A more methodical approach to fixing your problem could be visiting a professional who has taken the time to study methodical approaches to fixing your problems.
Contrary to popular beliefs, self-help doesn’t work when you’re struggling with mental illness. Sure, there a lot of tips that might help you in one way or another. But ultimately, Tony Robbins isn’t your guy, even if he was dealing with depression.
You’ll still need a psychologist to understand the unique obstacles you’re facing in order to help you become happier.
Take What Works Only
People keep waiting for that one perfect key that will slot in and unlock all doors to success and happiness. They keep waiting for special permission to pursue their dreams. So it’s important to become extremely aware of what it is we invest our efforts to avoid the negative patterns that easily fall into.
Self-help doesn’t work when you’re preoccupied from whatever it is you decided to seek self-help for. There’s no fault in seeking a little bit of motivation as long as you pay attention to the more important and often tedious side of success, not just the exciting dreams that come before it.
To get the best out of self-help, we must always be willing to find the pragmatic approaches instead of the inspirational ones. Motivation comes and goes, practicality, however, is there to stay.
At the end of the day, the best inspiration you’ll find is taking action, not simulating it through others. The highest satisfaction you’ll find is in progression, not in dreaming about it.